🍝 THE DAILY SITDOWN 🍝

So, listen up, you… *listen*. Walmart, right? The goddamn everything store. Turns out their shrimp ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Radioactive, they say. Radioactive! Like something out of a goddamn goddamn *movie*. You ever see that show *Chernobyl*? Remember that? That whole mess? Well, this ain't quite that bad – yet. But they found Caesium-137 in some of their Great Value shrimp. Great Value, huh? More like Great *Value* in a coffin, if you ask me. This ain’t no gabagool we’re talking about, this is *serious* shit. The FDA, those pencil-necked geeks, they tested some breaded shrimp – one batch, thank Christ – and bingo. Positive for this Caesium-137. Luckily, this particular batch never even hit the shelves. They caught it, which is something, I guess. But it came from Indonesia, from a supplier who’s now got a whole bunch of containers being turned away at the border. Sounds like somebody’s trying to offload some hot garbage, am I right? Thirteen states are involved: Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Missouri, Mississippi, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Texas, and West Virginia. Those poor bastards. If I was in one of those states, I’d be checking my freezer like a hawk. Now, the FDA says the amount of Caesium-137 found wasn't enough to kill you instantly. Not like a good whack to the head, you know? But long-term exposure… that’s a different story. Cancer? Fuhgeddaboudit, they say. Except maybe not. They’re saying it *could* increase your chances. Could. That’s the kind of word that keeps you up at night, see? Walmart, bless their hearts, they’re offering refunds. “The health and safety of our customers is always a top priority,” they said in their statement. Bullshit. Their priority is profit. But hey, at least they're not denying it. They're recalling the shrimp. Smart move. Less lawsuits. They know I don't play games. Remember that time Paulie Walnuts got that bad batch of clams? Nearly sent the whole crew to the hospital. This is worse. This is… nuclear. So yeah, if you bought some Great Value shrimp lately, especially in one of those thirteen states… toss it. Don’t even think about it. Unless you're looking for a quick trip to that big pizza joint in the sky. Capisce? It's not worth the risk. Now, where’s that espresso? This whole thing’s got me jumpy.