🍝 THE DAILY SITDOWN 🍝

So, listen to this fuckin’ thing I read. Sweden, right? Fuckin’ *Sweden*. They’re movin’ a whole-ass *church*. A *hundred and thirteen-year-old* church. Not some little, two-bit, nothin’ – a *landmark*. Red timber, the whole nine yards. Think of the fuckin’ weight of that thing, like a giant fuckin’… I dunno, a giant fuckin’ *cannoli*, maybe? Only instead of ricotta, it’s filled with… stained glass and holy water and probably a few dead Swedes over the years. Capisce? Anyway, this thing’s sittin’ on these giant platforms, like some kinda fucked-up, slow-ass parade float, movin’ three miles. Three fuckin’ miles! At five hundred meters an hour. Two days. Two days to move a church. That's more time than it took me to get rid of that rat-faced Paulie Gualtieri. This whole thing sounds like some kinda elaborate, high-priced shakedown, only instead of protection money, they’re paying for a fuckin' church relocation. Now, the reason for this whole circus? Ground subsidence. Iron ore mining, see? They’ve been diggin’ up the ground for over a hundred years, and now the whole fuckin’ city’s startin’ to crack like a bad batch of biscotti. So, they’re movin’ the whole damn place. This church is just the cherry on top of this…this *shit sundae*. Some broad, a “culture strategist,” – a fuckin’ *culture strategist*, I’m tellin’ ya, these Swedes got titles for everything – says they’ve been waitin’ years to do this. “Finally, let’s get it done,” she says. Sounds like my wife, Carmela, when I finally bring home the right kind of pastry. Except instead of pastries, it’s a whole fuckin’ church. And instead of me, it’s some…*Stefan Holmblad Johansson*. Sounds like a guy who needs a little lesson in respect, maybe a swift kick in the ass. He says everything’s under control. We’ll see about that, *Stefan*. They’ve already moved other stuff. Houses, a clock tower… It's like they're playing some kinda morbid game of Tetris, except the pieces are buildings, and the board is slowly crumbling. Under Swedish law, they can’t mine under buildings. So, what do they do? They move the fuckin’ buildings! This CEO guy, Ylitalo, says there's no risk of people fallin’ through cracks. Right. Because that would be *way* too efficient. What he *doesn’t* mention is they're gonna ruin the water, electricity, and sewage. Gotta move before the *infrastructure* fails. Sounds familiar, huh? Like when the whole fuckin’ thing starts to crumble. Except instead of a city, it's your business. You better take care of that shit, before it takes you down. Ten billion Swedish kronor. That’s the bill. Ten fuckin’ *billion*. LKAB, the mining company – also Kiruna’s biggest employer – is payin’ for it all. So they're basically paying to fix the damage they caused. Clever. But it makes you wonder. Coulda saved themselves a whole lot of trouble if they just, I dunno, *thought about it* before they started digging a goddamn hole the size of…well, the size of a whole lotta fuckin’ trouble. Just sayin'.