🍝 THE DAILY SITDOWN 🍝

So listen to this, Paulie. This week in Australia, it's been a real goddamn circus, a three-ring… actually, more like a five-ring circus, maybe with a sideshow or two. You wouldn't *believe* the shit that's gone down. First off, these Aussies, right? Snow. In *Australia*. These guys are building snowmen, having snowball fights. Sounds like a freakin’ Christmas card, but these dopes got 200 cars stuck in the snow – the heaviest snowfall in twenty years, they say. Twenty years! Can you imagine? Makes our little blizzards look like a kid's sandcastle. Some guy, Brendan Gough, drove all the way from Queensland just to see it. A goddamn tourist trap, that's what it is! Probably one of them tree-hugging, granola-eating types. I bet he got stuck in traffic, too. Serves him right. Then you got this housing crisis – the usual mess. These people are bitching to politicians, like that’s gonna do a damn thing. Politicians are like used cars, Paulie – shiny on the outside, but full of rust underneath. They promise you the moon, but all you get is a lemon. Fuhgeddaboudit. Next, a king tide – I swear to Christ, these Aussies have everything, even tides that act like a fucking mafia hitman. Smashing glass, cracking sidewalks… people evacuating. Sounds like a scene from one of those disaster movies, only this time it's no asteroid, it’s just Mother Nature, and she’s pissed. And then there’s this Green Party Senator – pulling some stunt in the chamber with a prop. They made her take it away! Probably some dumb environmental thing. These enviro-nazis, they’re always creating a scene. Oh, and the baby wombat. Don’t even get me started. Some influencer, some Instagram whore, grabs a baby wombat. The Prime Minister called her out – can you believe the nerve of this broad? Taking a baby wombat?! I mean, that's like stealing from a goddamn saint. Surfers Paradise – eroded beaches after a storm. Cyclone Zoe 2.0, they call it. Sounds like a fuckin’ disco. The first one in decades. Sounds like they needed that beach nourishment program we talked about, huh? Townsville got hammered with rain – almost biblical, I bet. Twenty thousand people went to some botanical garden to see a rare plant. Twenty thousand! You'd think they'd never seen a flower before. Idiots. There’s a guy stripping naked in the street, on fire! And he gets away? I'm telling ya, the craziest shit is always happening somewhere. I’ve seen weirder stuff, though. Once this guy, Sal “The Fish” Montemurro – he was high as a kite and thought he was a pizza. Ran around Little Italy in his underwear yelling “I’m a pepperoni!” This bus catches fire, but everyone gets out. That's a goddamn miracle. Sounds like those Chinese buses we got back in the 70s. Radiohead's Thom Yorke gets heckled about Gaza. I tell ya, these musicians… full of themselves. And then some schmuck meets King Charles and Queen Camilla and he’s all, “You can’t get any better than this.” He should've tried some of Mama's gabagool. That's better than the royals, I'm tellin' ya. And a protester is yelling at them. The whole damn thing sounds like a sausage fest, just a different kind of sausage. Anyway, Paulie, that’s your Australian news report. A real f-ing mess, right? Grab a cannoli, let's order another round of espresso and forget this nonsense for now, capisce? This whole thing is giving me a headache, bigger than that fuckin' king tide.