🍝 THE DAILY SITDOWN 🍝

So, listen to this sh*t. This week's been a real circus, a goddamn three-ring circus with clowns and everything. First off, you got this… *hot dog* incident. Yeah, *hot dogs*. In Pennsylvania, of all places. Some schmuck in a truck, probably some outta-shape, balding guy with a wife who nags him about his cholesterol, sideswipes another car. And what spills out? Thousands of f***ing hot dogs. Thousands! Like a goddamn meaty avalanche. They're blocking the highway, I’m telling ya. The whole damn interstate is closed. The fire chief – some guy named Dauberman, sounds like a mooch – says the hot dogs were *slippery*. Slippery, huh? Like I needed a fire chief to tell me that. You ever try walking on a pile of franks after a softball game? It's like an oiled skating rink, you understand? Four people needed a little somethin' somethin' at the hospital, but nothing serious. Probably just some minor whiplash and a little bit of sausage trauma. Then, we got these flash floods. Sweeping away cars like they're toys in a bathtub. One car, completely empty, gets tossed around like a rag doll, whacks into a bridge. The President – that blowhard – says somethin' about cane sugar. Cane sugar! What the f*** does that have to do with a f***ing hot dog avalanche and a car that's taken a swim? This guy’s a lightweight, I’m telling ya. Wildfires are raging across the country, from California to Canada. Makes you wonder if it’s global warming or maybe just some angry Italian witch cursing the land. The media's running wild. That ex-president, the Donald, was on some podcast with Michelle Obama and that fatso Craig Robinson. The BBC did an interview with him. He says he, "likes to think about it as little as possible.” You know what I like to think about as little as possible? My taxes. Flooding in other parts of the country. People trapped in subways, cars underwater. Sounds like a scene from a disaster movie, except this time, it’s real. It’s like that time Paulie Walnuts tried to sell his cousin’s car after it took a bath in the Hackensack River. Didn’t work out so good for him. Then we have a small plane crash. Four people walk away with minor injuries. Lucky bastards. They got the best of it, I tell you. The search for victims of those floods is on hold, thanks to the torrential rain. 120 dead, 161 missing. A real mess. The President and his wife went to survey the damage. Picture this, the two of them, walking amidst the wreckage, all somber and stuff. It's like when you gotta go visit a family after a funeral, only instead of a dead relative, it’s a dead town. And get this, a kid got stuck in a crane game. Some f***ing crane game! In Ohio. First responders had to rescue him. The kid’s probably more worried about not winning a prize than his own damn life. And finally, you got these protests in California, near some farm. Agents in a skirmish line. The whole thing’s a disaster – this whole week has been a freakin’ disaster. It's like the whole damn country's one big, messy, gravy-covered plate of ziti. And nobody's cleaning it up. Capisce? So, you know, I gotta go. I got a meeting with… uh… some associates. But you know the score. Keep your eyes peeled, and your mouth shut. And try not to spill any hot dogs on the highway.